"Feeling Statements”

"Feeling Statements” are one of the most powerful communication tools. Used correctly, they can remove much of the accusatory tone in your statement and allow you to express your point without automatically getting a defensive reaction.

There are 3 important components to an feeling statement:

1. Stating Your Feeling
   This refers to stating your real feeling only, and it starts with the word "I": I feel ______________. The tendency when discussing feelings is to assign blame first while downplaying the feeling. For instance, people often say, “You Make Me So Mad”, which typically causes a defensive reaction from the other person at the first word. A feeling statement keeps the focus on the feeling of the speaker which is less likely to illicit a defensive reaction and more likely to promote effective communication.
2. Connecting the Feeling to an Issue
   Once the feeling is stated, it should be connected to an issue or event: I feel angry, when I am alone and you are out with your friends. Although there is some mention of the other person’s behavior, the focus continues to be on the uncomfortable feeling experienced by the speaker. Ideally this allows the other person to focus on helping to alleviate the discomfort, rather than defending himself.
3. Stating What You Want to Have Happen
   Finally, a solution should be given: I feel angry, when I am alone and you are out with your friends – I would like to be invited to be with you, even if you are with your friends. This solution may not be a real option, but does allow for discussion. The focus stays on the feeling, and the goal continues to be alleviating the uncomfortable feeling.